IF ONLY REAL LIFE WAS PAPERLESS LIKE THE LEVESON ENQUIRY?

Further problems in my attempt to get the old career kick-started.

Another letter arrived from IDS and those bods at Social Security on Saturday.
It would appear that I've opened up a can of worms with regard to this 'appeals' procedure.
Lowestoft-John (my Personal Adviser) is away for the weekend, and I'm loathe to take advice from all the lefty campaigners I now seem to be surrounded with.

It transpires that I am automatically 'up' for a tribunal.
It's in Birmingham, and if I'm honest, I'm not a big fan.
I once spent an enjoyable weekend at The Belfry near Coventry, but that was in the 1980s and I've been listening to The Archers for too long now.
It would appear I have to fill out this new 6 page document, if I DO NOT wish to proceed with my appeal.
I can't help think that the unionised commies at the GPO have more than a passing interest in this drawn-out correspondence.

So I've decided to go.
I'm involved now, and we didn't rescue the Falklands from the corned beef colonials by being hesistant.
It'll save the cost of another stamp, and I might get the chance to tell these tribunal chappies just what a good job Dave & IDS are doing.
I might even find out what they're really going to do with Clegg, now that he appears to have lost his last marble.

Apparently they do not envisage conducting the interview until at least the 6th of August, so it'll give me time to get a railcard, as I don't fancy re-negotiating the M42. Travel expenses are guaranteed on this one, so I'll book an hotel like before.
I'm also allowed to take a friend, so I think I'll take Derek.
We'll probably visit the Borchester & Ambridge set if we get a spare moment.

They've asked for documents detailing savings, mortgage payments etc.as these will go a long way to proving how disabled I am.
I'll probably give them my phone bill and a copy of my teenage diary from when I was at school.
I might let them have my Observer's Guide to Horses & Ponies as well.
A tribunal requires 'evidence' according to their letter, and I intend to be heavily laden with paper.
They're bound to like that.

HEIGH HO/HI HO, IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO.....

Had quite a problem with the title of this one.
Wikipedia is down due to some sort of industrial action, probably because of unionised Trots whingeing about their pensions, or freedom of speech.
Managed to Google 'Heigh Ho' and 'Hi Ho', and spent the past three hours counting the amount of results.
I think it's fair to say that 'Heigh Ho' is used by those of us who went to school, and 'Hi Ho' is used by the work-shy YouTube generation.
I will be using 'Heigh Ho' (over 3 million search results) forthwith.

I was at dinner with a bright young filly last year, who managed to persuade me that I should 'appeal' Personal Adviser Lowestoft-John's decision that I was 'fit for work'. It was fairly obvious that this young lady was a pinko, and that she'd never read any other paper than The Guardian in her life, but I gave it some thought whilst ogling her ample cleavage, and thought; if I don't test their capabilities, how can they test mine?

I'd heard several horror stories about people appealing, and subsequently dying, but I wasn't ready to shuffle any coils just yet; not with the prospect of Lowestoft-John finding me a suitable position as a wine-taster/food critic within the year.

So 'appeal' I did, and imagine my delight at receiving an incredibly prompt reply yesterday, from those DWP lackeys Atos, on the very day Dave, IDS and Ed Millitant were discussing the Welfare Reform Bill.
I left the weighty package unopened whilst I caught up on world news with the Mail Online.
Couldn't help feeling rather sorry for old friends Brigadier Giles Rowntree and Lieutenant-Colonel Crawley having to take early retirement, mainly due to that do-gooding Lumley woman. I suppose they'll still direct the odd military campaign from their conservatories in OxShott or Bagshot or wherever it is? (It's not Aldershot - marvellous town now overrun by unemployed Nepalese - terrible business).

So after my mid-morning G&T, I nervously embarked on reading the missive from JobCentrePlus in Belfast, hoping upon hope that they wouldn't put me back on the sick-pay.
I needn't have worried.
My Approved Disabilty Analyst Lesley had found me more than capable for work "and cannot see any reason to change the original decision given".
Luckily I hadn't really given them any reasons.
I listed my medications, attached a letter from my GP, explained how I can always be a little stiff on certain mornings (but this did not stop me enjoying fine wines & restaurant food!)and how I was hopeful that Lowestoft-John would find me a suitable employer very soon.

The rather sad news was that they had now moved the goalposts with regard to when I could start work.
Lesley said "I advise that a return to work could be considered within 18months".
This disappointed me somewhat.
It's obvious that I won't be considered for the Olympic Long-Jump judge now.
I'm unlikely to get the horse-groom job at Her Majesty's Diamond Jubbly celebrations neither.

The 33 page 'findings' (what is it with the Public Sector and trees?) did however highlight things that weren't wrong with me, and I found this reassuring coming from a designated government official.

I AM NOT likely to die within 6 months due to my chronic illness.
As I am male, pregnancy is NOT relevant.
I do NOT have a stoma, or serious problems with evacuating or voiding my bladder or bowels.
And I do NOT have a cognitive impairment or mental disorder that could lead to aggression in the workplace, or have difficulty in chewing or swallowing independently.

With that clean bill of health, I began my letters of application (cc;d of course to Lowestoft-John!).
I started with "Dear Mr Worrall-Thompson......"