IAN DUNCAN SMITH WAS ROBBED

My experience with the DWP thus far has been a confusing one.
It's obvious that IDS has had a ruddy good shake-up, and isn't going to let this wonderful country of ours be held to ransom by a bunch of lefties and work-shy dossers.
Only yesterday I had a tele-con with a provincial sounding member of the old-school Job Centres. He sounded so tired and sorry for him, and myself, that I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of Wilson's Labour Exchange lot!
Full of advice on how to work the system, he wearily explained that different outside organisations were dealing with the Coalition Government's cull, and it would be in my interest to get supporting medical evidence if I wished to continue sponging off the state!

Needless to say, I took his name.

I realised today that I pressed the wrong telephone key, and that's why I spoke to an outgoing member of staff in 'Incapacity Benefit'.
No doubt he'll contact his union soon, if he hasn't done so already, and look into options with regard to his over-inflated pension.
Trot.

But happily today I pressed Option 3 (ESA) on my telephone key-pad, and I was transported to a brave new world.
A well-spoken lass dealt with my enquiry abruptly and with no empathy whatsoever.
"What exactly was my problem?" she repeatedly asked.
No shilly-shallying. Straight to the point.
(I took her name also, as I'm rather hoping she may be my 'Personal Adviser')

It's this new breed of Public Sector worker, that I feel will get GB working once again.
Beds back, curtains back, twice around the parade ground and a freezing cold shower before breakfast.

If we can just get that Euro-loving, French-tickling, sausage-hunting Cameron out of office, and get IDS back into the hot-seat, it'll be no more neverending dole queues, and a bad-back brigade that can be thankful they're alive.
God Bless Conservatism!

Time To Stop Skiving

Massive apology.
It turns out I AM one of the 'bad-back brigade', and with the help of my 'Personal Adviser' I could be back at work by Monday.
I'm not going to train as a lawyer anymore though.
I'm going to join the Met as a detective!

I telephoned the DWP this morning, and when I eventually got through this afternoon, I spoke to several young ladies, one of whom explained I was in 'migration'.
It would appear that a lot of people don't want to give up Incapacity Benefit or for that matter, get back to work. I however did fill in my form promptly, and as a consequence, I'm in a queue waiting to receive my cb-ESA, and should have an interview very soon.

Apparently, as I am not a work-shy Johnny or a complete mentalist, they can find me work AND a cure for chronic psoriatic arthropathy within a few months!

Luckily I'm in the cool 'work-related' group, not the rubbish 'support' group, so there's hope for me yet.
They didn't say whether they could do anything about my suppressed immune system and related side effects,nor the associated fever, nor the subsequent depression or Prozac-related side effects, nor the Bells Palsy or the liver disease.
But I'm confident that my 'Personal Adviser' will find a solution.

I'm only sad for 'Singing Detective' dramatist Dennis Potter.
Had the last Tory government developed this new initiative in the late 80s, perhaps he wouldn't have been taken away from us so early, by the cancer brought on by this cruel, debilitating & unpredictable disease?
And maybe he could've got a proper job instead of being an airy-fairy writer.

Dennis Potter: May 1935 - June 1994

Careering Opportunities

I received another letter from the DWP/Jobcentreplus today, less than 24hrs after I received my notification of being 'capable for work'.
I often hear about tardiness and bureaucratic minefields within the public sector, but I have to say their administration department is bang on the money at the moment!
Well done DWP!

Having reassured me that I will still receive contribution-based ESA at a slightly lower rate than before, this follow-up letter pointed out that this will be for a period of 12 months MAXIMUM.
Dave & Nick hope to have the new Welfare Reform Bill passed in April 2012, and any of those work-shy 'bad-back brigade' who have already claimed 12months c-b ESA, will INSTANTLY have their benefit stopped.
I bet a few of them will be back playing Sunday Football before long!
(Let's hope their previous employer has had the good sense to keep their old job open).

According to the Comprehensive Spending Review, when all of the c-b ESA lot are off the benefits, myself included, £2Billion will be recouped for the Great British purse.
The target is £7Billion by 2015, but if we manage to reduce the population through starvation & hypothermia (see The Reduced DWP/Jobcentreplus Company blog), then a 50% tax on high-earners may no longer be a necessity.

I'm not sure what I want to do when I leave benefits.
I will need to have a meeting with my Personal Adviser (see previous blog).
Like most men of my age, I'd quite like to be a professional footballer, but there are very few vacancies at present.
If I don't join the Army, I'll probably try and train as a lawyer.

The fact that I now know my time on c-b ESA is limited, it gives me and other other people with similar chronic illness something to aim for.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit excited.
I might double-drop my distalgesics in celebration!

The key point is that after April 2012 400,000 people or so, who, ex hypothesi, have passed the new Work Capability Assessment and who have paid National Insurance Contributions during their working life, will get no state support in their incapacity.
rightsnet.org.uk

The Reduced Jobcentreplus Company

My letter from the DWP has finally arrived, and thankfully they have found me 'capable for work', thereby reducing the amount of benefit I recieve, and saving the British taxpayer great expense, in this awful period of austerity.

I know one or two of you aren't party to any of the correspondence or procedures, and only have anecdotal evidence, portrayed unfavourably by lefty newspapers such as The Guardian.
So I hope I can provide you with a few facts to dispel the myths, and reassure you that Jobcentreplus' mission to get everyone back to work, is a sensible and worthwhile cause.

The first thing to note is that this is NOT 'a coalition government thing'.
The DWP/Jobcentreplus are no more Tory, than they are Catholic.
They are an autonomous government department, similar to say the Army, RBS, or the National Lottery.

The 5 page letter informing me of my right to work was probably computer-generated.
It would be hard for one man (or lady) to deal with 2million claimants, so this would seem necessary.
As a result, 3 of the 5 pages over-emphasise the point that I can appeal if I think the decision is wrong, but I must do it within a month.
As I have made a late appeal to the Appeals Tribunal in the past, for an overpayment of Housing Benefit, I can tell you that they don't look too favourably on your case.
The '1 month or bust' policy manages to sort the wheat from the chav, filtering out those too lazy to read the letter, or better still, those that can't read at all.

On page 5, the DWP explain why my benefit has now been set at £67-50 a week.
This is called 'Living Expenses', and covers my rent, bills, council tax, multiple prescriptions, clothing, food, travel, maintenance. It's a little less than my Incapacity Benefit, but they do provide me with my own 'Personal Adviser', and can also provide me with 'a work-focused health-related assessment with a health care professional', which is nice.

My new benefit is called 'Employment & Support Allowance' and is the same benefit that the pikeys, dole-bludgers and skanks all call 'ESA'.
I'm not one for acronyms, but I may have to reduce my black ink-output now, when filling in 35page claim forms;
so as we're literally all in it together, I will also now refer to it as such.

Bizarrely (probably due to an admin error or something), I can now claim for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit, that will ensure I receive MORE money than before, provided I tell them that it's for housing, and not drugs or SKY TV.
I'm reluctant however, because the last time I was awarded these benefits, the DWP then decided they had awarded them in error, and asked for all the money back, despite the fact that I had already spent it on rent.
I will speak to my Personal Adviser about this.

Anyway. For those of you still reading, I think the bottom line is this:

Those that physically can work, will now all go back to work.
The Jobcentreplus has loads of jobs and telephones and photocopiers; you just have to attend and they'll do the rest.
This will save the country lots of money, and boost the economy, and make our children better citizens, by re-setting our moral compasses.

Those that can't work due to mental or physical incapacity, chronic illness or disability, will have the chance to send letters back & forth to the Appeals Tribunal, whilst still getting a reduced weekly benefit AND the support of a Personal Adviser.
Nature (thankfully a resource that NO-ONE has to pay for!) will eventually take its toll, and those that don't die of starvation, will probably die of cold. This will ease the burden on the public purse strings, create more jobs in the homegrown undertaking/grave-digging industries, and deter any immigrants thinking of coming over here and picking our asparagus for us.

I hope this has reassured you, in what I know is a difficult time.