I HAVE A PERSONAL ADVISER!

On the very day that my appeal period ceased, I received a letter from the DWP informing me that I have an interview with my Personal Adviser next week!
The efficiency of the DWP Capability For Work system is ruddy awe-inspiring!
Well done IDS. Well done C&C. Well done JobCentrePlus.

My Personal Adviser's name is 'John' (as in Osborne or Bull).
I was rather hoping I'd be assigned a young filly, because like it or not, I tend to make more of my physical appearance with regard to the ladies.
But I tapped in 'DWP, Personal Adviser, John' into my personal computer's search engine 'Images' gizmo, and I was pleasantly surprised.
In the photo, I'm not sure which one is John, but both of them look like the sort of go-getting, action type that I crave, and neither of them has a moustache, which I'm finding unappealing on both of the sexes at the moment.

Inspired by Victoria Derbyshire's telephone-in (this morning she is inviting work-shy layabouts to explain why they can't find work), I set about creating an action-plan for next Monday.

I have to get to Lowestoft, so in order to avoid being jiggled, jolted & bruised by the commoners on the X2 bus, I've decided to book into a hotel the night before.
Unfortunately, most hotels on the east coast are closed for the season now, but I was assured by the receptionist at the 'Moon in the Spoon' that I could have a room with a disabled toilet AND coffee-making facilities.
I didn't ask her for a quote, as the DWP have offered to pay all expenses to ensure prompt arrival at appointments. They also offer childcare expenses, but the poorly wife doesn't qualify as a 'child under the age of one' as such, so she'll just have to wait until I get home if she wants her bedpan emptying.
She won't do much in 24hrs.

John wants to discuss all the available job opportunities in the area and which ones would be more suited to me;
about returning to college/university to retrain, 'Permitted Work' (which sounds interesting!) and tax-credits for all of my children.
And if John can't help me, he can then arrange another appointment for me with a Disability Employment Adviser, presumably because the advising that John specialises in, isn't anything to do with jobs or disability.

I have to say that I'm excited about all this.
Xmas really does seem to have come early this year!
But I'm aware that excitement or stress can bring on a flare-up, and I don't want to ruin what seems like the ultimate opportunity to finally get me back to work.

As a consequence, I will be taking a slumber-cocktail of amitriptyline, distalgesics, anti-inflammatories, methotrexate and fluoxetine, and retiring to my bed until Sunday evening.
The wife can do her own bedpan for a bit.
It'll be good training.

Goodnight All!


NEXT WEEK:

Would a hard-labour renaissance be a better incentive for petty-criminals?
and
Why ban smoking in cars when the car itself is the real enemy of asthma?

The Reduced Jobcentreplus Company

My letter from the DWP has finally arrived, and thankfully they have found me 'capable for work', thereby reducing the amount of benefit I recieve, and saving the British taxpayer great expense, in this awful period of austerity.

I know one or two of you aren't party to any of the correspondence or procedures, and only have anecdotal evidence, portrayed unfavourably by lefty newspapers such as The Guardian.
So I hope I can provide you with a few facts to dispel the myths, and reassure you that Jobcentreplus' mission to get everyone back to work, is a sensible and worthwhile cause.

The first thing to note is that this is NOT 'a coalition government thing'.
The DWP/Jobcentreplus are no more Tory, than they are Catholic.
They are an autonomous government department, similar to say the Army, RBS, or the National Lottery.

The 5 page letter informing me of my right to work was probably computer-generated.
It would be hard for one man (or lady) to deal with 2million claimants, so this would seem necessary.
As a result, 3 of the 5 pages over-emphasise the point that I can appeal if I think the decision is wrong, but I must do it within a month.
As I have made a late appeal to the Appeals Tribunal in the past, for an overpayment of Housing Benefit, I can tell you that they don't look too favourably on your case.
The '1 month or bust' policy manages to sort the wheat from the chav, filtering out those too lazy to read the letter, or better still, those that can't read at all.

On page 5, the DWP explain why my benefit has now been set at £67-50 a week.
This is called 'Living Expenses', and covers my rent, bills, council tax, multiple prescriptions, clothing, food, travel, maintenance. It's a little less than my Incapacity Benefit, but they do provide me with my own 'Personal Adviser', and can also provide me with 'a work-focused health-related assessment with a health care professional', which is nice.

My new benefit is called 'Employment & Support Allowance' and is the same benefit that the pikeys, dole-bludgers and skanks all call 'ESA'.
I'm not one for acronyms, but I may have to reduce my black ink-output now, when filling in 35page claim forms;
so as we're literally all in it together, I will also now refer to it as such.

Bizarrely (probably due to an admin error or something), I can now claim for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit, that will ensure I receive MORE money than before, provided I tell them that it's for housing, and not drugs or SKY TV.
I'm reluctant however, because the last time I was awarded these benefits, the DWP then decided they had awarded them in error, and asked for all the money back, despite the fact that I had already spent it on rent.
I will speak to my Personal Adviser about this.

Anyway. For those of you still reading, I think the bottom line is this:

Those that physically can work, will now all go back to work.
The Jobcentreplus has loads of jobs and telephones and photocopiers; you just have to attend and they'll do the rest.
This will save the country lots of money, and boost the economy, and make our children better citizens, by re-setting our moral compasses.

Those that can't work due to mental or physical incapacity, chronic illness or disability, will have the chance to send letters back & forth to the Appeals Tribunal, whilst still getting a reduced weekly benefit AND the support of a Personal Adviser.
Nature (thankfully a resource that NO-ONE has to pay for!) will eventually take its toll, and those that don't die of starvation, will probably die of cold. This will ease the burden on the public purse strings, create more jobs in the homegrown undertaking/grave-digging industries, and deter any immigrants thinking of coming over here and picking our asparagus for us.

I hope this has reassured you, in what I know is a difficult time.