THE FALLACY OF EXHAUSTIVE HYPOTHESES

Apologies for the delay in bloggering chaps.
This whole kerfuffle with St. Iain 'Peace Be Upon Him' Duncan Smith has left rather a sour taste in my mortgaged-up mouth, and Mrs.Mac is beside herself over who will win Top Gear.
Needless to say, the fellow that's taken over at DWP HQ appears to be cut from the same cloth-cap as St.Iain, and it's more of the same for Broken British Benefit Bolsheviks & Their Gypsy Wedding Council Houses.

Stick them in the ruddy army I say!
That'll sort the tweets from the chavs!

Anyhoo.
On to this bally Referendum thingamajig.
I was terribly undecided for a while.
Far too much choice.
When Jeremiah Corbine stuck his trotty little snout into the mix, I was very much in favour of going all-out with Rupert, Bernard and Bojo.
But when I saw that David & Gideon had plans for a Google-Airbus sponsored European Super Army,
AND they were going to sell-off our failing NHS to the Yanks, I must say I was torn like Imbruglia.

Luckily Mrs. Mac wants nothing to do with the whole shebang, favouring the Rosberg/Hamilton dichotomy over central party policy.
Therefore I shall take her proxy vote from her Chablis-stained trotters, and have two stabs at voting myself.

I'm thinking I will stick one in the back of the Euro Soccer net and go all out with Nicky Morgan and the Remain lot.
But I shall also move heaven & earth and the Isle of Wight to a more defensive position in the mid-Atlantic, and join Nigel & Govey for a damn good Leave vote as well.
Win/Win.
Job's a good 'un!

God save the Queen!

NOW IS THE WINTER OF THE MALCONTENT

Hello.
I know it's been a while since I last 'touched-base' with you chaps, but things have gone slightly awry recently.
Here at Dwile Flonker HQ, we have found ourselves wrangling with a bally sticky issue.
We haven't been this fidgety since we thought we'd found reds under Penelope's bed, only to discover later that it was her school prep.
I personally feel that the aforementioned issue is one of grave pertinence, but Mrs.Mac has, since only this past Thursday, refused to discuss the matter completely.

The subject is the Winter Fuel Allowance.

In my experience, those that qualify for the Trot-inspired piece of welfare shenanigary, only spend their allowances on frippery & tut.
The skivers, the shirkers and the shivering timbers take the money that 'Dave's economy' can ill-afford to give, and literally set fire to it, with their superking cigarettes and their Paddy Power gambling habits.
Allotment Alan's small but spacious semi-detached is frequently cold, but the fumes generated by his special cigarettes could evict a bee colony from the top floor of a blasted tower-block, were he ever to get out of his armchair!

As a nation, we're due extremely low temperatures this weekend (notably coming in from the scroungier parts of Eastern Europe); so I hope the feckless and unwashed have invested in a blanket or two, because it's the idle who will suffer in the cold, along with their taxpayer-benefited children.
And will they moan!
I personally feel the allowance should be presented to the deserving (the Atos frieze-marked disabled, key-workers, ex-civil service, Sky TV subscribers and the military) in the form of a crossed cheque made payable to British Gas, or in the form of kindling, logs or coal.
Those of us who do not require their allowance, should be able to donate their fuel to Falkland Islanders in need, or in very special circumstances, old ladies with British passports.

If Millibland and his pinko cronies would only shut their bally mouths once in a while, (Sir) Iain Duncan Smith  may lead us to a promised land; a less corrupt, better run, 'newer' society; one based on hard work, savings and sensible opinions.
Strivers who earn over a certain amount should not be penalised for being better than everyone else.
The carrot & stick approach is beginning to work on old Cleggy, so I'm hoping we can switch to a crop & a whip before it's too late.
I also worry that Mrs.Mac may be afflicted with this modern scourge of liberalism; this Facedbook generation's Twittery Spring thing.
So we'll see how she copes when I let her out of the coal-bunker on Monday.

Until then, keep warm.
And God save the Queen.

SNIVELLING LITTLE FLAG-WAVING GROVELLERS

Now, I'm all for a bit of patriotism.
If Strauss & Co. weren't such whingers, I'd probably have bought Mrs.Mac a subscription to SkyTV for her birthday; or at least a one-way ticket to Abu Dhabi.

But this whole Diamond Jubilee thing.

It's gone beyond a celebration of Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty's Power & Dominion Over All Things Great British & Northern Irish, and turned into a rather poorly attended barbecue, in the garden of a work-shy layabout, who only shops at Asda.

Yes. Of course we should celebrate Elizabeth Regina's 100years on the throne.
And yes. We should take to the streets, festooned in the colours of Empire, for one day, in which hard-working bank clerks and their employers, can relax and enjoy themselves.
But all this Official Accession Day, followed by Official Coronation Day, followed by Trooping the Colour, and then the Olympics, followed by then another Bank Holiday.
Well, it all seems a little, dare I say, jingoistic?

I have been found 'fit for work' by those fine chappies at Atos, and despite his initial reluctance, Lowestoft John (my Personal Adviser) thinks I may have a chance at being employed as well. He only joked yesterday that my perseverance in using landline telephonic communications would make me an awfully good double-glazing/solar panelling salesperson! (He said 'salesman' so I naturally corrected his mistake).
The problem with Lowestoft John is that he doesn't yet realise that I have no experience in windows or doors.
Nice to be thought of though.

So my problem is, if we are to have almost half a year off for flag-waving, plus another 3 months off for inclement weather, will there be enough work to go around?
I know Dave seems to think so, that's why he's welcoming Australians to our shore; the ones who can act or sing a bit.
If I'm honest, when Kylie Minogue left for home, things did start to get a little worse. And the economy slid further downhill when Dannii left X Factor, so there's a method in his antipodean madness.
And IDS is still hopeful, although he remains steadfastly quiet these days.

I wept a little when I saw children waving flags at Her Majesty this morning.
Not because they were being patriotic to our head of state, but because they were out of school (called 'truancy' in my day), when the snow had quite obviously melted, and there was little excuse.
I noted one or two feckless parents trying to avoid the glare of the cameras too.
I bet they're all on this £26,000 gravy train?

What we need is more Personal Advisers, and a lot less holidays.
Bring back the 6day week, abolish the benefits system, and let's make the Britain that the fine filly Elizabeth inherited, 'Great' again.

The Reduced Jobcentreplus Company

My letter from the DWP has finally arrived, and thankfully they have found me 'capable for work', thereby reducing the amount of benefit I recieve, and saving the British taxpayer great expense, in this awful period of austerity.

I know one or two of you aren't party to any of the correspondence or procedures, and only have anecdotal evidence, portrayed unfavourably by lefty newspapers such as The Guardian.
So I hope I can provide you with a few facts to dispel the myths, and reassure you that Jobcentreplus' mission to get everyone back to work, is a sensible and worthwhile cause.

The first thing to note is that this is NOT 'a coalition government thing'.
The DWP/Jobcentreplus are no more Tory, than they are Catholic.
They are an autonomous government department, similar to say the Army, RBS, or the National Lottery.

The 5 page letter informing me of my right to work was probably computer-generated.
It would be hard for one man (or lady) to deal with 2million claimants, so this would seem necessary.
As a result, 3 of the 5 pages over-emphasise the point that I can appeal if I think the decision is wrong, but I must do it within a month.
As I have made a late appeal to the Appeals Tribunal in the past, for an overpayment of Housing Benefit, I can tell you that they don't look too favourably on your case.
The '1 month or bust' policy manages to sort the wheat from the chav, filtering out those too lazy to read the letter, or better still, those that can't read at all.

On page 5, the DWP explain why my benefit has now been set at £67-50 a week.
This is called 'Living Expenses', and covers my rent, bills, council tax, multiple prescriptions, clothing, food, travel, maintenance. It's a little less than my Incapacity Benefit, but they do provide me with my own 'Personal Adviser', and can also provide me with 'a work-focused health-related assessment with a health care professional', which is nice.

My new benefit is called 'Employment & Support Allowance' and is the same benefit that the pikeys, dole-bludgers and skanks all call 'ESA'.
I'm not one for acronyms, but I may have to reduce my black ink-output now, when filling in 35page claim forms;
so as we're literally all in it together, I will also now refer to it as such.

Bizarrely (probably due to an admin error or something), I can now claim for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit, that will ensure I receive MORE money than before, provided I tell them that it's for housing, and not drugs or SKY TV.
I'm reluctant however, because the last time I was awarded these benefits, the DWP then decided they had awarded them in error, and asked for all the money back, despite the fact that I had already spent it on rent.
I will speak to my Personal Adviser about this.

Anyway. For those of you still reading, I think the bottom line is this:

Those that physically can work, will now all go back to work.
The Jobcentreplus has loads of jobs and telephones and photocopiers; you just have to attend and they'll do the rest.
This will save the country lots of money, and boost the economy, and make our children better citizens, by re-setting our moral compasses.

Those that can't work due to mental or physical incapacity, chronic illness or disability, will have the chance to send letters back & forth to the Appeals Tribunal, whilst still getting a reduced weekly benefit AND the support of a Personal Adviser.
Nature (thankfully a resource that NO-ONE has to pay for!) will eventually take its toll, and those that don't die of starvation, will probably die of cold. This will ease the burden on the public purse strings, create more jobs in the homegrown undertaking/grave-digging industries, and deter any immigrants thinking of coming over here and picking our asparagus for us.

I hope this has reassured you, in what I know is a difficult time.