He Who Strives

He Who Strives

WHO PUT THE 'TORY' IN INFLAMMATORY?

Ahead of my fourth tribunal hearing on Monday, I thought I'd better keep the old interblog chaps up to speed, so as to avoid any confusion if I'm shipped overnight to L.A., to replace Simon Towell on that talent show thingy.

I must say I'm not sure this is a good waste of taxpayers' money.
I'm perfectly capable of finding myself fit for work, without these bally DWP chaps suggesting I might not be.

My last tribunal hearing was cancelled because of (off the record & only allegedly) "the judge and doctor being struck off".
Now I know most of the GPs, JPs and BPs in East Anglia, and you have try ruddy bloody hard to get struck off these days.
An old friend of mine (let's call him Bunny) was eventually dispatched for charging his patients 200 guineas for a sick-note, something the GMC frowned heavily upon.
Bunny set up his own private practice after that, turning his back on the whole shoddy affair.
As he correctly said;
"What's more important?
Saving lives or creating work for a bunch of left-wing namby pamby trots in a nurse uniform?"
I think we can all agree with the sentiment.

I am however getting a tad miffed about all this 'Con-Dem' naysaying, and general dissent within the ranks.
It's not our Dave's fault the spics (and the wops) spent all the ready cash, and forced us all into upping the drawbridge.
Dave cares about England, and he and his cohorts IDS(RIP) & Christopher Grayling are damned fine chaps when it comes to getting the economy up and running again.
Only last week, an Air Commodore friend of mine (let's call him Piggy) told me in the strictest confidence, that our arms industry is worth £22 BILLION to old blighty's crown jewel purse.
That's an awful lot of cash when compared to say sales figures for the liberal nonsense comic The Guardian, that rarely breaks the £6million mark.
(My association soccer team Brighton & Hove Albion have a left-half worth more than that!)

Anyway. I think it's time we started looking at the positives in this whole welfare reform thingy.
Mrs Mac feels that my desire to pack up my old kit-bag and pick up my rifle again should be tempered with a visit to Lowestoft John (my Personal Adviser).
I personally feel she is always wrong, and with a little joined-up sky and a little blue thinking, we could get England (and a large part of Wales) back into work and out of the labour exchange. We need progressive thinkers like Bunny & Piggy, a good dose of the old bamboo, a few cold showers and a jolly bracing work-ethic that says

No! To shirkers.
No! To disabled benefit hoarders.
No! To mini-cabs.
No! To heavy-petting & bombing.
No! To council houses for single mums with itinerant boyfriends.
No! To foreigners who aren't tourists.
No! To free stuff for those who haven't earned the right to free stuff yet.

And no to this have-a-go-hero culture that rewards immigrants with no grasp of the King James' Holy Bible, and who insist on having families.
This 'bogof' society that expects free prescriptions, when men fought and died against the Germans to put square meals on the table, and the right to vote for discipline in schools and the right to bare their arms.
This septic isle, rotten to the core, and full of alcopops and Stephen Fry homogenousness.

It's time to keep Britain tidy again!
It's time to dig deep for victory.
It's time to keep mum.
It's time to bag it & bin it (or face a fine of up to a maximum of £1000).

WHY TESCO COULD START SELLING GUNS

I'm beginning to feel a little bit out of touch with society.
I'm actually beginning to think that Lady T was right, on the one issue we disagreed.
How can so many British people be opposed to a Workshare scheme that offers good, solid, back-breaking opportunities, to the millions of hopeless kids from Generation i, that will keep them off MyFace and Bobo, and prevent them watching endless Jeremy Vine shows?
IDS and Chrissy G were right to call these luddites 'job-snobs'.
If Lowestoft John(my Personal Adviser) is correct in his calculations, there's a job for everyone out there. Not just me.
The work-shy have just got to get their fingers out of their eye-pods, and find one.
I myself applied for both the Wolverhampton Wanderers' manager's job AND the Chelsea manager's job this week.
(Chelsea were quick to respond that they didn't have a vacancy yet).

And I see that even more 'pseudo-capitalist' Trotskyite organisations are joining Jammy Oliver's Sainsburys lot.
I've no idea who Maplins, Argos or Superdrug are, but their withdrawal from this brilliant scheme just goes to show how liberal-lefty we've all become.

Only the other day I went to the theatre to see a play about John Peel's Shed by that Osborne fella; not the one who's spent too long under the bed with Red Vince (when did it become Tory policy to maintain taxation for heaven's sake? I sincerely hope Dr.Fox and his Network Chart can overthrow this ruddy pinko soon, and prevent further public spending!)
No. This Osborne was an arty-farty type with a shoddy haircut.
So after a huge argument with Mrs.Mac over whether I should wear Blue Stratos or Paco Rabanne (the latter won; as it always should for theatre engagements) we set about enduring an hour & ten minutes of idle tosh about 'popular music' of all things!
There wasn't one reference to John Peel's National Service days; something myself, and most Radio Times readers know him for, only too well.
We would've left early were it not for the hoardes of unwashed kids standing and clogging up the aisles.
Was this theatre or a bally pop concert?

Anyway, it led me to thinking about what Kinky Clegg had been saying with regard to all these so-called 'neets'.
If they really were a ticking time-bomb, and in the light of the recent defence cuts, why not use this explosive mass of apathy for military purposes?
Tesco's wishy-washy stance about offering these benefit scroungers a living wage, as well as a bit of discipline and a uniform, could be harnessed and packaged as a form of National Service, if you like.
It didn't do John Peel any harm, and just think how many Clubcard points one would get on the purchase of a GPMG or a Lee Enfield?
Give all of these eye-phone gazing hoodies a decent haircut, a tin of Kiwi boot polish, a bit of Duraglit and a massive dollop of elbow grease, and we might just save the Faroes from Argentine invasion.
I'm not necessarily advocating sending the Tesco feckless into battle with the Talibanese, but I am suggesting that if we have to give them money, let's prop up the nation before we prop up Tesco shareholders.
They get the experience, Tesco get the gun & polish sales, and we reap the Clubcard point rewards.

I might even think about applying for a PT instructor's role at boot camp!

(Providing it doesn't involve too much standing, or raising my arm at a right angle for prolonged periods).

The Reduced Jobcentreplus Company

My letter from the DWP has finally arrived, and thankfully they have found me 'capable for work', thereby reducing the amount of benefit I recieve, and saving the British taxpayer great expense, in this awful period of austerity.

I know one or two of you aren't party to any of the correspondence or procedures, and only have anecdotal evidence, portrayed unfavourably by lefty newspapers such as The Guardian.
So I hope I can provide you with a few facts to dispel the myths, and reassure you that Jobcentreplus' mission to get everyone back to work, is a sensible and worthwhile cause.

The first thing to note is that this is NOT 'a coalition government thing'.
The DWP/Jobcentreplus are no more Tory, than they are Catholic.
They are an autonomous government department, similar to say the Army, RBS, or the National Lottery.

The 5 page letter informing me of my right to work was probably computer-generated.
It would be hard for one man (or lady) to deal with 2million claimants, so this would seem necessary.
As a result, 3 of the 5 pages over-emphasise the point that I can appeal if I think the decision is wrong, but I must do it within a month.
As I have made a late appeal to the Appeals Tribunal in the past, for an overpayment of Housing Benefit, I can tell you that they don't look too favourably on your case.
The '1 month or bust' policy manages to sort the wheat from the chav, filtering out those too lazy to read the letter, or better still, those that can't read at all.

On page 5, the DWP explain why my benefit has now been set at £67-50 a week.
This is called 'Living Expenses', and covers my rent, bills, council tax, multiple prescriptions, clothing, food, travel, maintenance. It's a little less than my Incapacity Benefit, but they do provide me with my own 'Personal Adviser', and can also provide me with 'a work-focused health-related assessment with a health care professional', which is nice.

My new benefit is called 'Employment & Support Allowance' and is the same benefit that the pikeys, dole-bludgers and skanks all call 'ESA'.
I'm not one for acronyms, but I may have to reduce my black ink-output now, when filling in 35page claim forms;
so as we're literally all in it together, I will also now refer to it as such.

Bizarrely (probably due to an admin error or something), I can now claim for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit, that will ensure I receive MORE money than before, provided I tell them that it's for housing, and not drugs or SKY TV.
I'm reluctant however, because the last time I was awarded these benefits, the DWP then decided they had awarded them in error, and asked for all the money back, despite the fact that I had already spent it on rent.
I will speak to my Personal Adviser about this.

Anyway. For those of you still reading, I think the bottom line is this:

Those that physically can work, will now all go back to work.
The Jobcentreplus has loads of jobs and telephones and photocopiers; you just have to attend and they'll do the rest.
This will save the country lots of money, and boost the economy, and make our children better citizens, by re-setting our moral compasses.

Those that can't work due to mental or physical incapacity, chronic illness or disability, will have the chance to send letters back & forth to the Appeals Tribunal, whilst still getting a reduced weekly benefit AND the support of a Personal Adviser.
Nature (thankfully a resource that NO-ONE has to pay for!) will eventually take its toll, and those that don't die of starvation, will probably die of cold. This will ease the burden on the public purse strings, create more jobs in the homegrown undertaking/grave-digging industries, and deter any immigrants thinking of coming over here and picking our asparagus for us.

I hope this has reassured you, in what I know is a difficult time.