R.I.P KIM

Father rang.
Turns out they've increased his Winter Fuel Payment, despite his persistent asking that they didn't.
His argument is that anyone geographically below the M4 motorway requires less heat than that grim northern lot, primarily due to lower winter temperatures, but more specifically due to voting choice.
The WFP was not something we voted for.
Blair and his chamois-socialist lot brought that little sweetener in, and a fat lot of good it did them!

Father has received countless Xmas cards from ex-members of the 49th Armoured Division this year, and it transpires that they also have had an increase in their WFP, despite living it up in Nicosia & Gib!
Tommo, Degsy, Trev and Barry have all agreed to pool their payments, and stick on a bally big beach party around the time of the next General Election.

I too received my annual £10 Xmas bonus from the DWP, but couldn't find anything in Waitrose for under a ruddy tenner, so I sunk a few shandies in the British Legion, and wrote a stern letter to IDS.

The way I see it (and I'm sure Pa would agree), with Iran getting all defensive over its natural resources, and this new fella in charge of what was quite a well organised bunch of Korean chaps, I couldn't help think that if all 2million of us on ESA gave our tenner back to HMG, we could invest in a early warning system, or at least a small tank?
We are all in this together, but it would appear that some of us are a little more privileged than others, at this special time of year.
Crack-dealers & Greggs must be rubbing their hands with glee.

Glad to see Dave is bringing marriage back into fashion.
'Moral neutrality or passive tolerance' won't get this constipated economy running again.
A bloody big bible in every school might do the job though!
Very much looking forward to the Compulsory Church Attendance Bill next spring.

Still no word from Lowestoft John, my Personal Adviser.
Probably has a month off over Xmas to work out how much more pension he's going to get (less WFP and Xmas bonus).

And RIP Kim.
At least you had the decency to go at a sensible age, like most Great Leaders.
No one likes a drain on the state.
There's only so much golf a pensioner can play.

Happy New Year Dwile Flonkers.

IT'S TIME FOR PARTITION

Let's not beat about the ruddy bush on this one.
If that olive-dunking, student-sucking, snivelling little trot Clegg wants a fight, he's got one after that outburst.
He's only 'deputy' prime minister because Red Ed & Blue Balls' party split the vote, and if he wants to be part of a Europe that's going down the lavatory quicker than the knickers on an X Factor girl-band, then lets draw some lines of demarcation shall we?

I propose a border wall around Greater London & the Home Counties, with a patrolled exit corridor stretching as far as Hunstanton, and stop-off points at Walberswick & Burnham Market(school holidays only).
Clegg and his short-sighted, Lavazza-loving cronies can have the rest.
While he's there he can have all the EU migrant workers, the long-term sick, the work-shy and the whole of the BBC.

There's no point just being nice in politics; it doesn't work.
If Margaret had been a nice guy, the Falkland Islanders would all be speaking Spanish now, and Lord Carrington would have his own prime-time TV show.

We can't let the kids have subsidised schooling.
Before you know it, the Canadians & Australians will all want to pay for their Creative Writing degrees without even attending our proud ex-polytechnics.

And we must veto the Europeans.
I can't believe we still think a shoddy currency and a Brussels expensefest is a good idea!?
I mean, what is the POINT of Nick Clegg?
And what is the point of being 'in' the EU?
If some of the great British population want to be led by a Gaul, yet run by a pinko, let them have their own bally republic.
Meanwhile, hard working, morally astute, indigenous types can be free (after all, that is surely the point of a democracy?) to spend our money, save our economy, drive our cars and holiday in Suffolk, without worrying about a bunch of Bubbles and Paddies who can't control their own purse strings.

I say we should have a referendum on partition.
Get Boris onto it.
And the sooner the better..........

IT'S TIME FOR A LEADERSHIP CHANGE

It's Wednesday, and that means only one thing.
Half-day closing.

As per usual, I donned my Hush Puppies and set about hobbling down to the Beccles & District Museum, to avail myself of my weekly fix; the majesty and beauty of the 1632 Shadingfield altar cloth.

And if you've been listening to Radio FiveLive's intelligent wall-to-wall commentary, interspersed with 'Sport, Weather & Travel' every ten minutes, you'll probably have no problem guessing what happened next?
The bally museum was closed!

And why?
Because some snivelling little Trot has politicised the part-time voluntary workers into a collective expression of their dissatisfaction at the hard work that Dave, IDS and Vinny Cable have done over the past 18months.

Pensions?!
They're already in receipt of their bloody pensions, and have been spending them quite happily in the post-office. the garden centre and Rosie's Tearooms for many years!
Like me, most of them will be dead before most NQTs get their first school department.
It's the feckless 'Want Want Want' generation again, stealing eye-pods and helping themselves to EMUs and tuition fees.

I'm all for gay rugby players 'coming out' to the Daily Mail on days like these, but this sort of gerrymandering will only lead to civil unrest, and an overall confusion with regard to museum opening hours.

It's madness.
Bring back Norman Tebbit and hunting with dogs.

Ruddy pinkos.

LEGALISE POT!

No.
Again, I was only joking.
But there has to be something said about the whole decriminalisation thing.
It's not very well thought out.
I mean, it's actually a bally minefield.

Had another telephone interview with Personal Adviser, Lowestoft-John last week, and what a ruddy nice fellow.
Didn't achieve much.
Both had a bit of a moan.
It doesn't look particularly inspiring for either of us, but we swapped a few numbers and anecdotes, and from what I can gather, we'll meet up again in January 2013.

Free of both chronic pain and time-consuming bus travel, I popped down to the common to see Allotment Alan.
I've recently been partaking of some of his organic leafy tobacco, on a purely medicinal basis.
According to Alan it's all above board and it does wonders for my lumbago.
He has to keep it under lock & key due to local riff-raff and the wrong sorts, and that entails some artificial light thingy that plays havoc with my bifocals,
but I have to say, it's a bloody marvellous painkiller, and who has the right anyway to say whether a man can grow his own pleasure? (man)**
Growing is great, and gardening should be made compulsory on all Free School curriculums.
I mean, it's not like anyone is being harmed.

It's also got me back into watching television again.

Waybuloo is genius programming; something for everyone there.

And who would've thought that they still manufacture 'Space Raiders'?
Ten bags for a pound!

Slowly going off Dave though.
He doesn't seem to know what he's doing.
It's almost like he's trying to please everyone, and that's just silly.

I like Meryl Streep.
And I like the new filly on Countdown too.


I might wash the windows later.


After Police Academy.

Yep.



**obviously all home-growers should be credit-checked and licensed and affiliated to an allotments growers association, similar to Allotment Alan's.

The Not So Personal Advice

The dream appears to be over before it's begun.

The bally DWP won't foot the bill for a Hackney carriage next week, and have opted for a telephone interview instead.
The old war wounds have given me a bit of a wobble today, so I thought it only correct & proper to check on the travel-expense situation.
Bit of a heads-up before a balls-up, as they say.

Apparently taxis & hotels are a no-go these days.
I can fully understand.
If the system were more flexible, the work-shy layabouts next door would abuse it;
hiring a stretch limo and racking up lines of moo-moo on the back of their raspberry phones no doubt.

It's a bloody awful shame though.
I was really looking forward to cold-calling a few blue-chips with John, my Personal Adviser.
Thought we could rattle off a few CVs, smash a few Pyrex ceilings, burn some midnight oil, in sweat stained nylon shirt sleeves.
But never mind.

It turns out I have THREE Personal Advisers anyway.
One of them's called Janet, and she's a woman.

I just can't help thinking I may've lost a good friend in John.
Sad times.

OCCUPY LOWESTOFT (No. Not really. Lol!)

I'm still in bed.
I have to say, these pills are bloody marvellous.
I can see why the sixties happened and that.

Been listening to that Vine fellow on Radio Two, and although he talks a lot of sense, I think he sometimes takes the moral high-ground with regard to defending stupid people.
If you're constantly getting burgled, move house!
The market's flat enough to do a side-shift, and if like me, you actually need to live in rural Suffolk, sell the Cherokee and downsize.
The winters are getting milder, and the kids are probably old enough to walk to university now.

Anyway.
That's all a bit of a hub-bub and bally hoo.
The real reason for putting pen to paper today, is to thank the Right Honourable Dave Cameron for his recent thoughts on complicit and fraudulent doctors.
According to the Daily Mail, something like 80 or 90% of medical professionals are in cahoots with the bad-back brigade, and the loss to our economy in sicknote man-hours is the price of a small African coup!
Thankfully Dave wants to replace them all with Independent Advisers, something we should've done in 1945.

An Independent Adviser will be answerable to no-one other than the shareholders (and possibly IDS).
There'll be less need for empathy or bedside manner, and more emphasis on getting shirkers to earn their keep, possibly in a lesser role than they're used to, but positively boosting the economy to greater heights than Australia's.
It's important that sickness absence is eradicated from our culture, if we're all to live above our means and in the manner to which we are accustomed.

If a civil servant has to pick asparagus in springtime, more power to his elbow.
If a teacher has to stuff giblets into turkey carcasses, then why not?
An active workforce will not only provide encouragement for future generations, it will also reduce the amount of vacancies for migrant workers.
And the queues at the local health centre will improve too.

Bloody good idea DC.
Next week I will ask my Personal Adviser, John, about applying for these positions.

Not this week though.
Let me just finish off this amitriptyline...........

IDEAS FOR IDS

After yesterday's escapade I find myself bedridden again.
It's the only downside to these marvellous drugs that those boffin chaps at Pfizer and Glaxo keep creating.
The quack says I'm immuno-suppressed, but I've never really taken much advice from a woman.
It would appear however, that if I get coughed on or touched up by the great unwashed, I do seem to inherit their filth rather regularly.
My encounter with the hoi polloi in Lowestoft's JobCentrePlus could only be described as " a lot of ill people with illnesses being ill all over other ill people".
I've no idea what I've contracted but I'm sure it's a symptom of the underclass.

So it got me thinking about this ruddy well-needed shake up of the whole benefits system.
Shirkers and idlers will always embrace a tickly throat, if a session on the sofa with 'Cash In The Attic' and a bag of Haribo are considered convalescing.
This will lead to further unemployment and an economy so far up the Swanee that it moors itself at Thessaloniki.

I propose to Mr Duncan Smith that those receiving income-related ESA (what we used to call the dole before Blair & Brown) go into the JobCentrePlus on one day, and those receiving contribution-based ESA (what we used to call Incapacity Benefit before Clegg & Cable) go into the JobCentrePlus, on an entirely different day.

The work-shy scroungers on the dole all receive FREE prescriptions (as well as dental, eyes & wigs) and therefore have no excuse when poorly.
They should be healthy & at work, or chucking-up their Lidl lunch at home.

Those of us who still have to pay for our prescriptions, seemingly due to paying N.I. subscriptions for many years, should have a one-on-one appointment with our Personal Adviser, who should be medically tested before each interview.
Contracting communicable diseases will not get any of us back to work.
Especially when we can ill afford the multiple £7-40s to combat them.

I commend this to the House, via the Daily Mail Letters page.


NEXT WEEK:
Why Most Americans Have Got It Right
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/when-youre-not-sick-enough/